I Want To Be A Runner (Again)

A year or so ago I stopped running. I had been running 5-6 miles each time I ran back then, which was 3-4 times a week. But the reason why I stopped was because I’d had surgery and it took another 5-6 months to heal up. By the time I was healed up I was lazy and not as interested in it as before (I was also a 40% worried that I’d hurt myself too much if I ran again [if I wasn’t completely healed up], but I was 60% lazy – seriously, who wants to go outside running in the elements?).

Recently I made a strong decision that I was going to start running again, and I haven’t let myself back out of that promise. Mainly it was because I seem to be gaining the weight back that I lost while I was at my peak of running and I haven’t exactly changed my diet to reflect my lack of exercise. So, I’m basically forcing myself to start running again because I want to eat more – obviously this is a serious reason.

But dear God this is hard. I used to run 5-6 miles no problem and now I’m struggling through my 1 mile run. The speed I lack doesn’t really annoy me, but my Fitness Pal (an app that tracks my exercise and calories) seems to not be impressed with me when I run a mile without stopping. I’ll look at my app and see that it has posted on my news feed that I “walked at a fast pace” in the time I took for me to go a mile. “Walked at a fast pace”? Screw you Fitness Pal. I totally ran. We can’t all be fast runners.

Not only am I dealing with a passive aggressive Fitness Pal app, I’m also remembering starting to run again for the first time in ages really sucks. It is hard, I get tired very quickly, and I know I look like I’m dying. Here’s what usually happened when I start out on a run:

  • 10 secs in: This is great. This feels great. This is going to be a great run.
  • 30 secs in: I’m tired.
  • 1:00 mins: Oh God I’m tired.
  • 1:30 mins: Why did I think this was a good idea?
  • 1:35 mins: What was I thinking?
  • 2:oo mins: What the fuck was I thinking?
  • 3:00 mins: *gasping breaths and a slow shuffle as I keep going*
  • 5:00 mins: I want to stop. I want to stop. I want to stop.
  • 5:30 mins: I can’t stop. I won’t stop. I can’t stop. I won’t stop.
  • 6:00 mins: I want unhealthy food. Can’t stop. I want unhealthy food. Can’t stop.
  • 7:oo mins: Uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh.
  • 8:00 mins: That walker just passed me.
  • 10:00 mins: Now those two elderly walkers just freaking passed me.
  • 11:00 mins: NO! I will not let this walker pass me! Speed up!
  • 11:01 mins: I. Am. Strong. And. Fast. And. Running.
  • 11:10 mins: Oh fuck it, just pass me. I know you’re walking faster than I’m running.
  • 13:00 mins: Keeping going. Got to keep going. I’m too far away from home now, so I can’t stop.
  • 14:00 mins: Almost done. Almost there.
  • 15:00 mins: Almost a mile….Almost did it…Little further….little longer!
  • 17:00 mins: yes….Yes….YES!
  • 1 mile mark reached: I did it! Oh God I can’t breathe! *gasping*

After I Have Caught My Breath…

  • 1:00 min after run: That felt amazing! I feel great! YES! I can’t wait to do it again!

Running sucks at the beginning, in the middle, and I tiny bit at the end. For me, runner’s high doesn’t happen until after the run is over. Once I completed my goal I feel amazing, strong, and have an overwhelming feeling of positive energy. It’s that feeling, that amazing, positive feeling, that keeps me going outside and doing my best.

And it’s kind of weird that I mainly get this feeling after I force myself to do this incredibly hard and draining activity. Runner can we weird, amazing people. It’s one of the reasons I wish runners where more recognized in our society. It takes a lot of mental power to go out for a run when you know it’ll be tough for most of the time.

But the thought of the unhealthy food I can eat with a clear conscience on the weekend helps too.

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